Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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