so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
