Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
