i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
