peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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