insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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