if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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