You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize