Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
