I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
