mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
