Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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