I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
