I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
