Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
