It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
