when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
