Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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