I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
