I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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