the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
