if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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