Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
