Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
