i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
