Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
