do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
