I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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