Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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