Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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