I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
