My nipple is on Facebook.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
