Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
