Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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