i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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