the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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