If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
