I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
