she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
