You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
two words: eviction party
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
