Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
