How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
