Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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