i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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