My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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