I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
