Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize