I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
