I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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