Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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