Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
