Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
