Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
is that a dick in a sweater?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
