I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
