Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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