I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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