After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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