apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
