my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
