she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
