I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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