right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize