when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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