Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
