So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
