I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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