i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
