someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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