You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
