i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
